In this week’s blog, I’ll talk about how family members can better understand each other through the silent messages they send.  Also, I’ll share some examples of how to work with those messages.

     It’s extremely important to understand different forms of silent messages that you or others may be sending and what you can do to deal with them.  There are six kids in my family (5 boys and 1 girl).  Growing up with so many brothers was very fun!  We would wrestle and "play" fight, sword fight with wooden swords, play Power Rangers and super heroes, play video games together, play football, or play out back on what we called our "back yard play thing" (a huge structure that my Grandpa and Dad built which had a climbing wall, two bridges, a fort, a jail, a picnic table, a sandbox, climbing poles, a swing rope, and a professional boxer's punching bag).

     Sometimes, however, we would get a little too worked up and physically hurt each other or say something rude which would make the other person angry.  My Mom taught us that there were certain things we could do and things we could not do when we were angry.

     When boys are hurt, sad, frustrated, tired, hungry, or pretty much any other feeling, the emotion that is usually expressed is anger.  Anger is a silent message that many times represents something else.  My Mom understood this "boy behavior", and set rules in place to help us manage our actions when we felt angry.  Rule #1 was that we could not lash out at another person (as in hitting, yelling, or being mean).  Rule #2 was that we could not lash out at the house (as in slamming doors, throwing things or breaking things).  Then she gave us options of what we could do.  We could go on our bed and scream into our pillow, or punch our pillow.  We could go out back and punch or kick the boxing bag.  We could go out back and jump really hard on the trampoline.  Or we could ride our bike really hard out front around the cul-de-sac. 

     After the angry sibling cooled down and felt better he would come back and then we would talk about it.  We would all sit down and talk about what caused that person to get upset and then try not to do it again.  We would then continue to play, and then the cycle would repeat itself.  It’s very important to understand and notice what kind of messages children and spouses give, and not to neglect or ignore that, but work with it and through it.

     Here is a classic situation.  It’s 5:00pm, and Dad comes home from work to see the house a mess, and Mom trying to gather kids around and get dinner ready.  Dad sits down on the couch, kicks his feet up and starts reading a paper (this scenario is probably more valid in the 1950’s).  Can you see the message Dad is sending to Mom?  It's, “I did my Job for the day, looks like you’re still busy with yours.”  Or, “I work harder than you, I deserve a rest.”

     Albert Mehrabian published a book titled, Silent Messages.  He says that only 7 percent of all communication is verbal, and 93 percent is non-verbal (with 55 of that percent being body language).  It’s important to note that non-verbal communication is one of the best measures of how someone is feeling or what they are thinking.  The Mom in this scenario is getting a lot of communication and messages from her husband without him even saying anything!  Needless to say, there will more than likely be a "discussion" between Mom and Dad later that evening.

     We need to be aware of the type of verbal, and especially non-verbal, messages others around us are expressing, and also what silent messages we may be sending out ourselves.  There needs to be particular rules set in place, and then a time to talk about the behavior in order to correct it.

     When I was a boy following the "anger rules" that my Mom had set up, I didn't know that what she was really teaching me was how to be more aware of people around me, or how to "think" about my actions when my emotions were boiling over.  As I and my brothers grew, we learned how to recognize these feelings and notice the silent messages we were sending, and how to deal with them. We learned proper behavior and then how to talk about why we were upset in the first place and how to make the necessary corrections.

 Hello! Welcome to the first week of my discussion! The topic I chose to address this week is, "Current trends in the family, and the impacts of those trends" Without further ado, let’s dive right in!

     Some of the more noticeable and widely accepted trends in the family are: Women working outside the home, half of all marriages ending in divorce, and lastly cohabitation.

Women Working Outside the Home  

     According to the U.S. Department of Labor, “The labor force participation rate—the percent of the population working or looking for work—for all women with children under age 18 was 70.5 percent in 2016. The participation rate for married mothers (67.9 percent) remained lower than the rate for mothers with other marital statuses (76.0 percent).” Let’s look at these same statistics nearly 70 years ago.  According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in the year 1950, only 23.8 percent of all married women who had an employed husband also worked.

     Could it be that there are more problems with society, broken families, and rebellious adolescents because of mothers choosing to work outside the home? Before I continue let’s make things clear.  I am not saying every mother that has a job will damage and ruin her family. Some mothers have to work full-time out of necessity to support their families. I am saying, however, that when a mother willingly chooses to pursue their career over raising their children, (when there is a father present who can reasonably support them) that negative effects come to the family.

     Think about it, when a mother and father both work full-time they drop their kids off at a daycare or have someone else watch their child for them 8 hours a day while they work. According to news reports by the New York Times, CBS, and Child Care Aware of America, children placed in some sort of daycare system experienced aggression and disruptive behavior in early years.  Think about it, if you were placed in some facility with a bunch of people for 8 or more hours a day wouldn’t you start feeling a bit annoyed and agitated? Sounds a bit like going to work full-time, doesn’t it?  The difference between adults and children in this situation is that children haven’t fully developed! They haven’t had experience and don’t know how to handle these emotions. I could go on and talk about the social issues these children may face but I’ll let this suffice. 

     Washington Irving said, “A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.” This special bond and trust cannot be achieved if a child hardly knows his/her mother because she’s always gone at work. I say, bring mom home!

Half of All Marriages End in Divorce/Cohabitation

     Why are fewer people getting married nowadays? If you’re curious, then you should find these next few paragraphs rather interesting.

     First off, there’s a statistic that half of all marriages end in divorce. Most young people think to themselves, “Well, if my marriage only has a 50/50 shot at lasting then why even bother?”.  What would you say if I told you this statistic is actually false? Here’s why: “To illustrate the problem, let’s say that 2 million couples are married in a particular year and 1 million divorce. There are 55 million other couples who remain married from previous years.” Quote from “Marriage and family the quest for intimacy”.

     It could be said that 50% of marriages that year ended in divorce, but not all marriages end in divorce.  Claire Cain Miller said: “If current trends continue, nearly two-thirds of marriages will never involve a divorce, according to data from Justin Wolfers, a University of Michigan economist.” Bottom line is this, if newlyweds have it in their minds that half of all marriages end in divorce (which we just proved to be wrong) then they are already setting themselves up for failure! There needs to be optimistic attitudes about marriage and the commitment to work things out when it gets hard.

     Because of the false divorce rate statistic, people will often cohabitate instead of getting married. Cohabitation is wrong. One reason, there’s no commitment to each other. Basically, cohabitating people say this to each other, “I love you and want to be with you but let’s leave the back door open in case this doesn’t turn out the way I was hoping so I can back out” What is that?! When married people overcome disagreements, struggle through hard times, live on a budget, and strive to have devotion to each other, then their marriages thrive and prosper.  It’s going through the hard times that polish and keep a marriage strong and lasting.

     Hello! My name is Caleb Tucker. I'm from Monterey California and my wife and I are currently full-time college students.  My major is Marriage and Family Studies.  I started this blog to share what I'm learning in my courses and what we as a class discuss about families.  This blog will mainly be about tools that can help marriages and families be happier.  You can expect a new post every week!