Today’s blog topic is divorce and remarriage.

     First, mistakes happen.  I think it’s important to know that not all marriages end in “happily ever after”.  This doesn’t mean you married the wrong person, or that you’re the wrong person, it’s just that husbands and wives let pride and problems in their marriage. Aside from the cases of addictions to drugs, alcohol, and abuse which cause divorce, there are other things that are subtle, but just as dangerous to a marriage.

     Marriages can either grow and become stronger or get damaged and become weaker.  This is every second process.  Marriage takes work, constant nourishment, and thoughtfulness.  A great way to keep your marriage strong each and every day is to give constant compliments.  Not every minute, that could be a bit annoying, but when you see a good time to say something uplifting and thoughtful.  NEVER be sarcastic or poke fun at your spouses’ insecurities even if you think you’re playing or being funny.  A great point to remember is that you should never feel enjoyment at another persons’ expense.  JUST BE KIND, ALWAYS.  Another point is to, “Remember why you fell in love. During the down times, it may be difficult to remember why you married your spouse. Those are the times, though, when you most need to remember. Stop and think about the things that made you fall in love. When I find myself being critical of my husband, I think about his smile, his musical abilities, or perhaps our first kiss. Anything positive about him helps me remember that this is the man I want to spend eternity with.”

     “I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation. Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache. A broad-based international study of the levels of happiness before and after “major life events” found that, on average, persons are far more successful in recovering their level of happiness after the death of a spouse than after a divorce.3 Spouses who hope that divorce will resolve conflicts often find that it aggravates them since the complexities that follow divorce—especially where there are children—generate new conflicts.” – Dallin H. Oaks. 

     President James E. Faust said, “You might wonder, “How can a marriage be constantly enriched?” We build our marriages with endless friendship, confidence, and integrity and also by ministering to and sustaining each other in our difficulties. Adam, speaking of Eve, said, “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh” (Genesis 2:23). There are a few simple, relevant questions that each person, whether married or contemplating marriage, should honestly ask in an effort to become “one flesh.” They are: First, am I able to think of the interest of my marriage and spouse first before I think of my own desires? Second, how deep is my commitment to my companion, aside from any other interests? Third, is he or she my best friend? Fourth, do I have respect for the dignity of my spouse as a person of worth and value? Fifth, do we quarrel over money? Money itself seems neither to make a couple happy, nor the lack of it, necessarily, to make them unhappy. A quarrel over money is often a symbol of selfishness. Sixth, is there a spiritually sanctifying bond between us?”

     I urge you to renew, refresh, and heal your marriage and keep it strong.  Divorce is hard, sad and often terrible.  Do things now to prevent divorce and strengthen your marriage, for that will be your greatest joy.

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/06/six-ways-to-keep-your-marriage-strong?lang=eng

"To you who are parents, I say, show love to your children. You know you love them but make certain they know it as well. They are so precious. Let them know. Call upon Heavenly Father for help as you care for their needs each day as you deal with challenges which inevitably come with parenthood. You need more than your own wisdom in rearing them."

-President Thomas S. Monson

     The topic this week is parents and their influence they have on children and ways to become better parents.

     “Parents in North America have become prone to asking their children rather than telling them. “It’s natural,” says Gordon Neufeld, a prominent Vancouver psychologist cited in Sax’s book. “Intuitively, we know that if we’re coercive, we’re going to get resistance.” For trivial choices such as which color of pants to wear, this approach is fine, he says. But “when we consult our children about issues that symbolize nurturance like food, we put them in the lead.” That triggers an innate psychological response, and their survival instincts activate: “They don’t feel taken care of and they start taking the alpha role.” So, if the girl served green peas does eat one bite as her dad asked, Sax says, “she is likely to believe that she has done her father a favor and that now he owes her a favor in return.” Food may be the first manifestation of the collapse of parenting, but many of the problems within families are a result of this type of role confusion. In this way, what happens over a meal is a metaphor for how uncomfortable parents have become in their position as the “alpha” or “pack leader” or “decider” of the family—the boss, the person in charge. The grown-up.”

     Parents need to be aware that they are the ones in charge and need to take responsibility and parent.  Parents can teach children and be examples.  They need to “stick to their guns” so to speak and need to be firm but loving.  The Family A Proclamation to The World, it says “Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.” 

     My parents taught me what was right and gave me direction.  They didn’t allow me to persuade them in ways that were wrong.  Going back to the food example, if I said “Mom! I don’t want to eat vegetables!”  She would reply “Well, vegetables give your body vitamins and minerals.  They help your body grow and be healthy.  If you don’t eat your vegetables than your body won’t get all those vitamins and minerals and will get hurt.  Your body will be damaged.” After explaining all these things to me, I ate my vegetables.  This is what I mean by “sticking to your guns” and being the parent.  Parents need to properly explain and communicate to their children the why and how of every situation so children can better understand the reasoning. 

     “When parents intentionally monitor their children, there is a protective effect against many teen risk behaviors for families in both middle-class populations and poor urban environments. Parents who are actively involved in their teens' lives are moderating the effect of peer influence into late adolescence. On the other hand, unsupervised time, exposure to sexual possibilities, and out-of-home care tend to increase sexual behavior. But improved communication between parents and children works to reduce sexual risk behaviors.”

     Parents can help children in every aspect of life and need to have open, clear communication and explain to children and teens.  The effects of good parenting start here.

References

Gulli, Cathy. “The Collapse of Parenting: Why It's Time for Parents to Grow Up.” Macleans.ca, 13 Jan. 2017, www.macleans.ca/society/the-collapse-of-parenting-why-its-time-for-parents-to-grow-up/

“Parental Connectedness: Effects of Good Parenting.” PositiveChoices.com, www.positivechoices.com/blog/2010/06/parental-connectedness-part-10-effects-good-parenting.

My blog today will focus on fathers and the importance of them in the home and family unit. 

     “Some see the good of fatherhood in social terms, as something that obligates men to their offspring, impelling them to be good citizens and to think about the needs of others, supplementing “maternal investment in children with paternal investment in children. … In short, the key for men is to be fathers. The key for children is to have fathers. The key for society is to create fathers.”5 While these considerations are certainly true and important, we know that fatherhood is much more than a social construct or the product of evolution. The role of a father is of divine origin, beginning with a Father in Heaven and, in this mortal sphere, with Father Adam” – Elder D. Todd Christofferson

     Fathers are crucial for the development of children and helping their children become great adults.  Fathers provide stability and security to their families and provide physically.  Fathers can be a great example to their children, especially their daughters.  When there’s a good man at home who puts his wife first, treats her properly and loves her, his daughters will see a good man and learn from his example.  They will compare boys they date to their father and want someone who treats them like how their mom was treated by their dad.

     “Your child’s primary relationship with his/her father can affect all of your child’s relationships from birth to death, including those with friends, lovers, and spouses. Those early patterns of interaction with father are the very patterns that will be projected forward into all relationships...forever more: not only your child’s intrinsic idea of who he/she is as he/she relates to others but also, the range of what your child considers acceptable and loving.  Boys, on the other hand, will model themselves after their fathers. They will look for their father’s approval in everything they do and copy those behaviors that they recognize as both successful and familiar. Thus, if dad was abusive, controlling, and dominating, those will be the patterns that their sons will imitate and emulate. However, if a father is loving, kind, supportive, and protective, boys will want to be that.”¹

     Fathers are responsible for their performance in their family duty.  “Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.” – The Family Proclamation To The World.

     “The title father is sacred and eternal. It is significant that of all the titles of respect and honor and admiration that are given to Deity, he has asked us to address him as Father” (Father, Consider Your Ways [pamphlet, 1973], 2).  In my own life, I can see the importance of having a father.  My dad is a great man, hardworking and very dedicated to providing and caring for his family.  He’s example impacts me every day of my life.  I want to be a better person, son, husband, and father because of my Dad’s example.  I believe that family life can be happier with a mother and father working together to provide for their children and caring for them.  Children will be happier and show forth greater respect to friends, and all aspects of society and community life.  

    

1)      Gross, Dr. Gail. “The Important Role of Dad.” The Huffington Post, TheHuffingtonPost.com, 12 June 2014, www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-gail-gross/the-important-role-of-dad_b_5489093.html.

     In this weeks blog, I’ll discuss the importance of councils and how they can be an impact for good and not a burden. 

     "Your most important friendships should be with your own brothers and sisters and with your father and mother. Love your family. Be loyal to them. Have a genuine concern for your brothers and sisters. Help carry their load so you can say, like the lyrics of the song, 'He ain't heavy; he's my brother'." -President Ezra Taft Benson

     Councils are crucial to making important decisions in a family.  When a husband and wife need to make a choice, (where to live, work, attend school, something to do with the kids) they should take some time out of their busy day and council.  Councils are much more than just saying, “So what’s your opinion? Yeah, that sounds good.  Uh-huh”  These are not good tools for councils.  It’s important to weigh the pros and cons of each situation, and openly and humbly respect each other’s point of views.  If your spouse says something you don’t agree with, try to understand where he/she is coming from and why they said it in the first place. 

     After coming spending time with each other in a marriage council, include as many immediate family members as possible.  Explain the situation, explain how and why you came to your conclusions, and then ask them their thoughts and be honest in processing their answers and take it into consideration.  There can be great good when other family members are included in big decisions. 

     Children will often feel like their parent’s respect and care for them and their opinions and thoughts when included in councils.  Parents may often be surprised by the response and maturity of children in making crucial decisions and their benefit of advice.  M. Russel Ballard said, “Such expression is essential if we are to achieve the purpose of councils. Leaders and parents should establish a climate that is conducive to openness, where every person is important and every opinion valued. The Lord admonished: “Let one speak at a time and let all listen unto his sayings, that when all have spoken that all may be edified” (D&C 88:122; emphasis added).”

     In spending the time to council, families will know the choices they make will be good and beneficial.  It can be scary to move to a new town, new school, friends, work, etc.  But if decisions are made as a family and all agree, then families will strengthen their relationships and have more respect and appreciation for each other. 

     My Mom would very often gather me and all my siblings into the living room.  She would talk to us about the gospel and teach us principles and proper behavior.  Many times, these meetings would turn into councils where we could express ourselves and be completely open with my Mom and the rest of the family about any personal problem and any achievements.  This was a wonderful learning opportunity for me because it showed me how important councils are and the precious learning and growing moments. 

     To end, Elder Ballard said so beautifully, “All councils should encourage free and open discussion by conferring with one another and striving to have clear, concise communication. Councils should discuss objectives and concerns, with mutual understanding being the ultimate goal” I know councils can be and should be a good experience for all members of the family and that they bring so much growth and love within a family system.  Parents and children will be closer and more open with councils and the practice of open communication with each other. 

    "Each of us will have our own Fridays -- those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death -- Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come."
-Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin
     The topic for this week is stress and coping.  All throughout life there are challenges and hardships that come unwanted.  With proper coping and abilities to overcome distress, life can be a joy and even a growing experience.
     Stress comes to all people.  It’s important to note that stress isn’t a bad thing.  Stress makes us stronger, helps us to achieve and overcome fear, and can ultimately shape us into the kind of people we’re meant to be.  Distress, is a form of crisis and is the kind of things that bring a lot of pain of sorrow.  Losing a loved one for example is a distress. 
     A few years ago, my Grandfather was killed in an automobile accident.  He was the patriarch of our family, a great wonderful spiritual man who loved us and led by example.  His death was a sudden shock to the entire family.  After many phone calls and trying to spread the news to family, it wasn’t long until everyone was very sad and felt distress.  My Mom was feeling very sad and upset, but because of her religion and leaning on the gospel of Jesus Christ, she was able to get through her emotions of sadness and sorrow.
     The key to getting over distress and sorrow is to focus on things that matter most and truth.  My Mom held tight to her faith in the Lord and religion which guided her through distress and helped her in coping with the death of her father. 
      In times of distress, there’s really only one thing we can do to overcome it.  That is, hold fast to true principles work through the sorrow, and not let the burdens of life get us down.  Distress can cause people to get depressed and to feel in a slump, which can be difficult to get out of by yourself. 
     The pain and sorrow can only be taken away if Jesus Christ is brought into the burden.  He can help you overcome any challenges and make distressful situations tolerable.  Distress needs to be worked through and learned from instead of just ignoring and using distractions to pretend your better.  Prayer and daily scripture study allow us to keep our spiritual reservoirs of faith, hope, and peace of mind full. These not only give us spiritual strength, but they can help us find answers to our particular problems.
     I know distress and hardships can be learned from and overcome by applying spiritual principles.  Bad things happen to everyone, but with faith and the gospel coping, it can be a learning experience and a way to come closer to the Lord.

     I’d like to talk about affair prevention and ways to help keep family strong and marriage relationships where they should be.  Man and wife cannot afford to cheat themselves of the blessings of marriage. 

     President Eyring, an LDS apostle said “"Just as Jesus used a child in His mortal ministry as an example for the people of the pure love they must and could have to be like Him, He has offered us the family as an example of an ideal setting in which we can learn how to love as He loves. That is because the greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own. That is what love is."  The truth in this saying is remarkable and very accurate.  The joys we feel the most are from putting the needs of others first, and showing them how much we care and love them by serving them.  The greatest sorrows and despair we feel comes from losing family and relationships we once held close.

     The Family A Proclamation To The World a LDS church document says “THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. . . HUSBAND AND WIFE have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.”

     The truths in this proclamation are essential for marital happiness and well-being.  When mother’s and father’s spend time together and do activities together they are strengthening their marriage and becoming less victim towards affairs and other unfaithful practices.  Most affairs occur because of a sense of feeling special and needed.  If someone else other than your spouse is making you feel special and needed immediately cutoff any connection and do not engage further. 

     Being married includes setting proper and appropriate barriers for you and your spouse.  You can’t do the same things you use to do when you were married! There shouldn’t be a girls or boys night out, spend that time with your spouse and family! Strive to find activities you both enjoy and do them together! Learn how to cook each other’s favorite meals and make a date night out of that. 

     Some of the best advice for a marriage is to always strive to think positively about each other and frequently express those compliments of praise for one another.  Make a list of 5 things you love about your spouse.  It could be something they say, something they do for you, or perhaps the way the look.  After the list, tell them! Encourage them to do the same thing.  Think of ways to make each other feel good and special.

     Above all, live the teachings of Jesus Christ and follow him.  Marriage is ordained of God, created by God, and blessed by God.  He will guide and direct you in your marriage and family if His commandments are kept and help true.  Families and marriages will thrive and find joy if these practices are kept. 

     

     For this week’s blog, I’ll talk about ways to maintain a strong healthy marriage when kids come along.  Kids are wonderful, and a blessing in a marriage, but sometimes the strain and stress of children cause marital problems. 

     In a reading titled “Early Marriage Adjustments” is an outline of a typical newlywed couple. “Newly married couples tend to have certain relational strengths that enable them to deal with challenges and problems of forming a new family unit (Schramm, Marshall, Harris and Lee 2005). Among other things, they are likely to have a high degree of mutual trust. They respect and appreciate each other. They are committed to the marriage. They enjoy high levels of affection for each other. To the extent that their sexual life meets the wife’s initial expectations and remains at a frequency desired by the husband, they have a satisfying sexual relationship (McNulty and Fisher 2007). They engage in a good deal of self disclosure, sharing their thoughts and feelings. And they are likely to have few serious conflicts. Such qualities mean that they have a strong foundation for beginning their life together as a married couple.”   

 

     As you can see, newlyweds are enjoying each other’s presence very much and have little stress. Sure, there’s school and loans, but when there’s only husband and wife who are both mature capable adults to worry about, the responsibilities seem easy to handle.

     After the first child is born, “Any previous routine you may have had is gone, and day blends into night. You are bleary eyed and chronically exhausted, a slave to the feeding and sleeping schedule of your baby. Your focus and energy (and those of your spouse) are intensely centered on your new child, and you are both expending massive amounts of energy to attend to the constant (and often unclear) needs of your baby. 

You are highly attuned to your newborn, completely focused, hyper-vigilant about any signs that something might be “off” or to any early indication of potentially life-threatening health problems. In this context, if a researcher asked you how satisfied you are feeling with your marriage or how close you feel to your spouse, how would you be likely to respond?” (Shauna H Springer Ph.D.). 

     As you can imagine, children bring a lot of unwanted stress and worry to both the mother and father.  The father wonders if he’s making enough money to provide for his new family and thoughts of inadequacy run through his mind when asked to help with the baby. 

     One of the best things a pregnant wife can do is to include her husband in everything baby related.  There’s a lot of good information and apps about baby development where you can see real pictures and descriptions of what your baby looks like week by week.  Talk together about what foods are good to eat while pregnant and learn how to make them more often.  Make baby plans with your husband like where the crib should go, what names for the baby does he like? Picking out clothes for the baby together, give him as much responsibility as you possibly can before the baby is born so he feels more responsible and adequate after the baby is born.

     Husbands, avoid the attitude of “Well, I don’t care, do what you want” when it comes to baby things.  Be involved as much as possible! As previously stated, try and be involved in the clothes of the baby, the name of the baby, everything you possibly can.  It makes a big difference in marital satisfaction after the baby is born.

     Lastly, and perhaps most important, learn how to give compliments and positive reinforcement during times of stress and anger.  With a new baby in the home, there’s a lot of opportunities for stress, late nights, snapping at each other, and hurting each other.  Practice and train your brain now to think positively and verbally express praise and compliments to your spouse when feelings of hurt or stress come.  It makes talking through it a lot easier and brings happiness quickly.  Above all, enjoy your baby because they’re only a baby for a short time.  You’re both learning together so find the humor in everything you can. 

     In this week’s blog, I’ll speak on love, it’s different meanings, and the ways we can show love to each other. 

     M. Scott Peck said, "One result of the mysterious nature of love is that no one has ever, to my knowledge, arrived at a truly satisfactory definition of love. In an effort to explain it, therefore, love has been divided into various categories: Eros, philia, agape; perfect love and imperfect love, and so on. I am presuming, however, to give a single definition of love, again with the awareness that it is likely to be in some way or ways inadequate. I define love thus: The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another's spiritual growth." (The Road Less Traveled, 1978, p. 81)

     There are certain ways that love can be expressed.  The 5 love languages are key to understanding how we can nurture someone else’s spirit and show our love for them. The 5 love languages are quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, service, and gifts.  Everyone has at least one of these love languages that Is dominant, meaning how they feel love the most.

Quality Time

     This love language focuses on spending one-on-one time with someone.  I personally react to this one.  When my wife wants me to be a part of her everyday activities and includes me in her daily routines I feel loved.  I feel special to her and needed by her.  Quality time is when you will choose someone to spend time with, focus on them, talk with them, and are interested in what they do and say. 

Physical Touch

     My wife’s love language is this one.  Every time she’s feeling sad, hurt or embarrassed I know I have to hug her to make her feel better.  Whenever we have some disagreement or are trying to figure out some problem, I always make an effort to hold her while talking about these issues so she knows she’s loved and I care about her. 

Words of Affirmation

     My Mom’s love language is words.  It’s interesting because she’s rather sensitive to words.  She’s really good about talking about problems and getting to know people.  She loves words and she always gives compliments and tells you when something you’ve done is wrong.  She loves getting cards and people writing her notes and building her up with compliments.

Service

     My Dad’s love language is service. Service could be anything: dishes, mowing the lawn, walking someone across the street, building furniture, anything.  It’s interesting because my mom and dad have had to learn to realize when the other is giving love.  My mom’s love language is words, and my Dad isn’t very good at complimenting her, but he’s very good at doing things for her and helping her.  My Mom has learned that he loves her and cares about her through his actions. 

Gifts

     My brother love getting gifts! One time my mom went to the store and my brother asked for a certain box of cereal.  When my Mom got back from the store she realized she forgot the cereal! My brother was so sad and hurt.  To someone whose love language isn’t gifts, this wouldn’t be such a big deal.  Because my brother’s love language is gifts, he felt like my Mom forgot about him and didn’t really care.  To my Mom, she just simply forgot.

     It’s important to know how you individually receive love, and how your spouse, kids, or other loved one receives love so you can know what’s important to them.  If you know your child’s love language is words, you would know to be more sensitive and give compliments frequently.  If your spouse loves gifts, you would know to make things for him/her and make an effort to get them special and meaningful gifts on birthdays and so forth.  It’s also important to identify your own love language so you can share it with your family so they know how to praise and show you love. There is a website you can go on to the test love language test, and it will tell you what you need most. You can also have your loved ones take it so you can know what you can do for them!

 http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

     The topic for this week is gender.  I’ll be speaking on the differences between men and women and how they complement each other in the family unit.  Contrary to society’s belief today, the world needs both men and women in families.

     To start off, I would like to share a quote by President Gordon B. Hinckley (15^th Prophet of the Latter-day Saint Church).  He says, "In His grand design, when God first created man, He created duality of the sexes. The ennobling expression of that duality is found in marriage. One individual is complementary to the other. As Paul stated, 'Neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord' (1 Corinthians 11:11). There is no other arrangement that meets the divine purposes of the Almighty. Man and woman are His creations. Their duality is His design. Their complementary relationships and functions are fundamental to His purposes. One is incomplete without the other."

     God created both men and women for a reason.  I ponder on my own marriage and the differences between my wife and I and how happy I am that we’re different.  Whenever disagreements arise or life decisions need to be discussed, we’re able to talk through them and come up with solutions.  If my wife thought and acted like me then nothing would get solved and life would be rather boring.  Women are generally more emotional, pay attention to detail, and creative.  Where men are more straight shooters, get it done now and problem solvers.  Neither is better than the other.  Society is trying to make more men like women, and more women like men.  We need to encourage and support traditional men and women values and behavior.    When there are both men and women working together to solve problems, more options and ideas arise because of these different qualities.

     Mothers have a remarkable impact on their children and family.  Abraham Lincoln said “All that I am or hope to be I owe to my angel Mother.”  Mother’s nurture, teach, comfort, guide, encourage, love, and care for their children.  A news article published in the New York Times in 1994 said “If a son or daughter who loses a mother never receives adequate substitute mothering, the loss can do long-term damage to his or her self-esteem, ability to relate to other people, overall feelings of security and ability to trust others.” I remember my Mom would talk to me daily about manners and how to be a good boy.  She would teach me to open doors for girls, be polite, say please and thank you, and to always do the best I can in every situation.  If I ever had an issue with someone or a problem with something in life, I knew I could always go to my Mom and she would help me and give me the guidance I needed. 

     Fathers are equally important to mothers.  I remember when I was a young teenager doing household chores and having family responsibilities. We lived in a house that had a septic tank sewer system, and one day, the back toilet wouldn’t drain properly so my dad had to fix it. One of my responsibilities was to help with fixing problems in the house when needed. In order to fix this problem, the ground outside had to be dug up about 4 feet to reach the pipes for the plumbing.  I remember helping my Dad work outside for the entire day: digging, trying to snake out the pipes, and figuring out the problems. I did not know it at the time, but my Dad was making an impact on me by showing how to be a hard worker that gets things done.  It was because of his example from that day as well as many other days throughout my childhood, that I now know how to be a good worker.  According to the Father Involvement Research Society, “Boys show less aggression, less impulsivity, and more self-direction. As young adults, children of involved fathers are more likely to achieve higher levels of education, find success in their careers, have higher levels of self-acceptance and experience psychological well-being.”

     I hope you can see the importance of both Mom and Dad and why we need them and their God given behavior and personalities.  In The Family A Proclamation To The World (an LDS publication) it says, “…Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. . .” 

Reference

“Children Without Mothers Are at Special Risk.” The New York Times, The New York Times, 30 Apr. 1994, www.nytimes.com/1994/05/01/opinion/l-children-without-mothers-are-at-special-risk-954179.html

     For this week’s blog, I wanted to talk about something fun but also very important and beneficial. The topic is family traditions. The best definition of traditions is "inherited patterns of belief or behavior".  So, which traditions encourage the best in families and individuals, and which might be better off discarded?

 Personal Family Traditions

     One of my favorite family traditions is at Easter time.  My family has an annual Easter egg roll contest.  Each member of the family has their own hardboiled egg which is personally decorated and prepared for the roll off.  Once all the eggs are ready we all go out back and proceed to the starting line (which is just our backyard lawn). Someone yells, “3, 2, 1, Roll!” then we all roll our eggs at the same time. We keep doing this until someone’s egg yoke breaks out of the egg which results in elimination.  The last person to have their egg yoke intact is the winner! 

     The reason why this particular tradition sticks out to me is that of how simple and fun it is.  It’s exciting to look forward to the painting of the eggs and having the whole family participating.  It’s fun, wholesome, and cheap (a good formula for family traditions!). Although this could be seen as a rather simple activity, it has a great impact on family relationships. When families participate in games and activities together they are developing and strengthening relationships with each other, building trust and building close friendships. These are why we continue to have this tradition in our home. 

     Traditions build on each other and become more and more meaningful the older children become.  When I was younger, probably around twelve years old, I would always want to go grocery shopping with my mom.  She would go twice a month sometimes three, and I would always look forward to going with her.  We lived about 45 minutes away from the “big city” where all the stores and good deals were so going grocery shopping was an all-day thing.  Looking back, this was a tradition in the making and I didn’t know it.  Because it was just my mom and I, we developed and strengthened our relationship. This became a good and long-lasting tradition for us.

Negative Family Traditions

     Now, not all traditions are good.  Remember our definition? Traditions are inherited patterns of belief or behavior. Let’s take the dinner example again, when it’s time for dinner does your family gather around a table and talk about the events that happened in the day? Or does every child grab food and run off to their room or sit in front of the TV? The latter is an example of a tradition that negatively affects the family.  There can be much good when a family sits together and has dinner.  There’s time for teaching manners, politeness, the children can even be involved in cooking the meal and setting the table, and there are great opportunities for discussion about school, work, and countless other things.  All of these positive experiences can be missed when families are separate at dinner.  Can you see all the valuable time and relationship building that is lost?  This is just one example of a negative tradition.

Conclusion

     Traditions are whatever we want them to be.  It can be as simple as an Easter egg roll and family dinner, family movie night or game night.  Whatever wholesome family traditions strengthen trust and communication, that’s a good tradition. There’s both good and bad, and the bad traditions are often not labeled as “bad” but when we stop and analyze the outcome of those traditions we’ll see there is a better way. 

     In this week’s blog, I’ll talk about how family members can better understand each other through the silent messages they send.  Also, I’ll share some examples of how to work with those messages.

     It’s extremely important to understand different forms of silent messages that you or others may be sending and what you can do to deal with them.  There are six kids in my family (5 boys and 1 girl).  Growing up with so many brothers was very fun!  We would wrestle and "play" fight, sword fight with wooden swords, play Power Rangers and super heroes, play video games together, play football, or play out back on what we called our "back yard play thing" (a huge structure that my Grandpa and Dad built which had a climbing wall, two bridges, a fort, a jail, a picnic table, a sandbox, climbing poles, a swing rope, and a professional boxer's punching bag).

     Sometimes, however, we would get a little too worked up and physically hurt each other or say something rude which would make the other person angry.  My Mom taught us that there were certain things we could do and things we could not do when we were angry.

     When boys are hurt, sad, frustrated, tired, hungry, or pretty much any other feeling, the emotion that is usually expressed is anger.  Anger is a silent message that many times represents something else.  My Mom understood this "boy behavior", and set rules in place to help us manage our actions when we felt angry.  Rule #1 was that we could not lash out at another person (as in hitting, yelling, or being mean).  Rule #2 was that we could not lash out at the house (as in slamming doors, throwing things or breaking things).  Then she gave us options of what we could do.  We could go on our bed and scream into our pillow, or punch our pillow.  We could go out back and punch or kick the boxing bag.  We could go out back and jump really hard on the trampoline.  Or we could ride our bike really hard out front around the cul-de-sac. 

     After the angry sibling cooled down and felt better he would come back and then we would talk about it.  We would all sit down and talk about what caused that person to get upset and then try not to do it again.  We would then continue to play, and then the cycle would repeat itself.  It’s very important to understand and notice what kind of messages children and spouses give, and not to neglect or ignore that, but work with it and through it.

     Here is a classic situation.  It’s 5:00pm, and Dad comes home from work to see the house a mess, and Mom trying to gather kids around and get dinner ready.  Dad sits down on the couch, kicks his feet up and starts reading a paper (this scenario is probably more valid in the 1950’s).  Can you see the message Dad is sending to Mom?  It's, “I did my Job for the day, looks like you’re still busy with yours.”  Or, “I work harder than you, I deserve a rest.”

     Albert Mehrabian published a book titled, Silent Messages.  He says that only 7 percent of all communication is verbal, and 93 percent is non-verbal (with 55 of that percent being body language).  It’s important to note that non-verbal communication is one of the best measures of how someone is feeling or what they are thinking.  The Mom in this scenario is getting a lot of communication and messages from her husband without him even saying anything!  Needless to say, there will more than likely be a "discussion" between Mom and Dad later that evening.

     We need to be aware of the type of verbal, and especially non-verbal, messages others around us are expressing, and also what silent messages we may be sending out ourselves.  There needs to be particular rules set in place, and then a time to talk about the behavior in order to correct it.

     When I was a boy following the "anger rules" that my Mom had set up, I didn't know that what she was really teaching me was how to be more aware of people around me, or how to "think" about my actions when my emotions were boiling over.  As I and my brothers grew, we learned how to recognize these feelings and notice the silent messages we were sending, and how to deal with them. We learned proper behavior and then how to talk about why we were upset in the first place and how to make the necessary corrections.

 Hello! Welcome to the first week of my discussion! The topic I chose to address this week is, "Current trends in the family, and the impacts of those trends" Without further ado, let’s dive right in!

     Some of the more noticeable and widely accepted trends in the family are: Women working outside the home, half of all marriages ending in divorce, and lastly cohabitation.

Women Working Outside the Home  

     According to the U.S. Department of Labor, “The labor force participation rate—the percent of the population working or looking for work—for all women with children under age 18 was 70.5 percent in 2016. The participation rate for married mothers (67.9 percent) remained lower than the rate for mothers with other marital statuses (76.0 percent).” Let’s look at these same statistics nearly 70 years ago.  According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in the year 1950, only 23.8 percent of all married women who had an employed husband also worked.

     Could it be that there are more problems with society, broken families, and rebellious adolescents because of mothers choosing to work outside the home? Before I continue let’s make things clear.  I am not saying every mother that has a job will damage and ruin her family. Some mothers have to work full-time out of necessity to support their families. I am saying, however, that when a mother willingly chooses to pursue their career over raising their children, (when there is a father present who can reasonably support them) that negative effects come to the family.

     Think about it, when a mother and father both work full-time they drop their kids off at a daycare or have someone else watch their child for them 8 hours a day while they work. According to news reports by the New York Times, CBS, and Child Care Aware of America, children placed in some sort of daycare system experienced aggression and disruptive behavior in early years.  Think about it, if you were placed in some facility with a bunch of people for 8 or more hours a day wouldn’t you start feeling a bit annoyed and agitated? Sounds a bit like going to work full-time, doesn’t it?  The difference between adults and children in this situation is that children haven’t fully developed! They haven’t had experience and don’t know how to handle these emotions. I could go on and talk about the social issues these children may face but I’ll let this suffice. 

     Washington Irving said, “A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.” This special bond and trust cannot be achieved if a child hardly knows his/her mother because she’s always gone at work. I say, bring mom home!

Half of All Marriages End in Divorce/Cohabitation

     Why are fewer people getting married nowadays? If you’re curious, then you should find these next few paragraphs rather interesting.

     First off, there’s a statistic that half of all marriages end in divorce. Most young people think to themselves, “Well, if my marriage only has a 50/50 shot at lasting then why even bother?”.  What would you say if I told you this statistic is actually false? Here’s why: “To illustrate the problem, let’s say that 2 million couples are married in a particular year and 1 million divorce. There are 55 million other couples who remain married from previous years.” Quote from “Marriage and family the quest for intimacy”.

     It could be said that 50% of marriages that year ended in divorce, but not all marriages end in divorce.  Claire Cain Miller said: “If current trends continue, nearly two-thirds of marriages will never involve a divorce, according to data from Justin Wolfers, a University of Michigan economist.” Bottom line is this, if newlyweds have it in their minds that half of all marriages end in divorce (which we just proved to be wrong) then they are already setting themselves up for failure! There needs to be optimistic attitudes about marriage and the commitment to work things out when it gets hard.

     Because of the false divorce rate statistic, people will often cohabitate instead of getting married. Cohabitation is wrong. One reason, there’s no commitment to each other. Basically, cohabitating people say this to each other, “I love you and want to be with you but let’s leave the back door open in case this doesn’t turn out the way I was hoping so I can back out” What is that?! When married people overcome disagreements, struggle through hard times, live on a budget, and strive to have devotion to each other, then their marriages thrive and prosper.  It’s going through the hard times that polish and keep a marriage strong and lasting.

     Hello! My name is Caleb Tucker. I'm from Monterey California and my wife and I are currently full-time college students.  My major is Marriage and Family Studies.  I started this blog to share what I'm learning in my courses and what we as a class discuss about families.  This blog will mainly be about tools that can help marriages and families be happier.  You can expect a new post every week!