"To you who are parents, I say, show love to your children. You know you love them but make certain they know it as well. They are so precious. Let them know. Call upon Heavenly Father for help as you care for their needs each day as you deal with challenges which inevitably come with parenthood. You need more than your own wisdom in rearing them."

-President Thomas S. Monson

     The topic this week is parents and their influence they have on children and ways to become better parents.

     “Parents in North America have become prone to asking their children rather than telling them. “It’s natural,” says Gordon Neufeld, a prominent Vancouver psychologist cited in Sax’s book. “Intuitively, we know that if we’re coercive, we’re going to get resistance.” For trivial choices such as which color of pants to wear, this approach is fine, he says. But “when we consult our children about issues that symbolize nurturance like food, we put them in the lead.” That triggers an innate psychological response, and their survival instincts activate: “They don’t feel taken care of and they start taking the alpha role.” So, if the girl served green peas does eat one bite as her dad asked, Sax says, “she is likely to believe that she has done her father a favor and that now he owes her a favor in return.” Food may be the first manifestation of the collapse of parenting, but many of the problems within families are a result of this type of role confusion. In this way, what happens over a meal is a metaphor for how uncomfortable parents have become in their position as the “alpha” or “pack leader” or “decider” of the family—the boss, the person in charge. The grown-up.”

     Parents need to be aware that they are the ones in charge and need to take responsibility and parent.  Parents can teach children and be examples.  They need to “stick to their guns” so to speak and need to be firm but loving.  The Family A Proclamation to The World, it says “Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.” 

     My parents taught me what was right and gave me direction.  They didn’t allow me to persuade them in ways that were wrong.  Going back to the food example, if I said “Mom! I don’t want to eat vegetables!”  She would reply “Well, vegetables give your body vitamins and minerals.  They help your body grow and be healthy.  If you don’t eat your vegetables than your body won’t get all those vitamins and minerals and will get hurt.  Your body will be damaged.” After explaining all these things to me, I ate my vegetables.  This is what I mean by “sticking to your guns” and being the parent.  Parents need to properly explain and communicate to their children the why and how of every situation so children can better understand the reasoning. 

     “When parents intentionally monitor their children, there is a protective effect against many teen risk behaviors for families in both middle-class populations and poor urban environments. Parents who are actively involved in their teens' lives are moderating the effect of peer influence into late adolescence. On the other hand, unsupervised time, exposure to sexual possibilities, and out-of-home care tend to increase sexual behavior. But improved communication between parents and children works to reduce sexual risk behaviors.”

     Parents can help children in every aspect of life and need to have open, clear communication and explain to children and teens.  The effects of good parenting start here.

References

Gulli, Cathy. “The Collapse of Parenting: Why It's Time for Parents to Grow Up.” Macleans.ca, 13 Jan. 2017, www.macleans.ca/society/the-collapse-of-parenting-why-its-time-for-parents-to-grow-up/

“Parental Connectedness: Effects of Good Parenting.” PositiveChoices.com, www.positivechoices.com/blog/2010/06/parental-connectedness-part-10-effects-good-parenting.

My blog today will focus on fathers and the importance of them in the home and family unit. 

     “Some see the good of fatherhood in social terms, as something that obligates men to their offspring, impelling them to be good citizens and to think about the needs of others, supplementing “maternal investment in children with paternal investment in children. … In short, the key for men is to be fathers. The key for children is to have fathers. The key for society is to create fathers.”5 While these considerations are certainly true and important, we know that fatherhood is much more than a social construct or the product of evolution. The role of a father is of divine origin, beginning with a Father in Heaven and, in this mortal sphere, with Father Adam” – Elder D. Todd Christofferson

     Fathers are crucial for the development of children and helping their children become great adults.  Fathers provide stability and security to their families and provide physically.  Fathers can be a great example to their children, especially their daughters.  When there’s a good man at home who puts his wife first, treats her properly and loves her, his daughters will see a good man and learn from his example.  They will compare boys they date to their father and want someone who treats them like how their mom was treated by their dad.

     “Your child’s primary relationship with his/her father can affect all of your child’s relationships from birth to death, including those with friends, lovers, and spouses. Those early patterns of interaction with father are the very patterns that will be projected forward into all relationships...forever more: not only your child’s intrinsic idea of who he/she is as he/she relates to others but also, the range of what your child considers acceptable and loving.  Boys, on the other hand, will model themselves after their fathers. They will look for their father’s approval in everything they do and copy those behaviors that they recognize as both successful and familiar. Thus, if dad was abusive, controlling, and dominating, those will be the patterns that their sons will imitate and emulate. However, if a father is loving, kind, supportive, and protective, boys will want to be that.”¹

     Fathers are responsible for their performance in their family duty.  “Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.” – The Family Proclamation To The World.

     “The title father is sacred and eternal. It is significant that of all the titles of respect and honor and admiration that are given to Deity, he has asked us to address him as Father” (Father, Consider Your Ways [pamphlet, 1973], 2).  In my own life, I can see the importance of having a father.  My dad is a great man, hardworking and very dedicated to providing and caring for his family.  He’s example impacts me every day of my life.  I want to be a better person, son, husband, and father because of my Dad’s example.  I believe that family life can be happier with a mother and father working together to provide for their children and caring for them.  Children will be happier and show forth greater respect to friends, and all aspects of society and community life.  

    

1)      Gross, Dr. Gail. “The Important Role of Dad.” The Huffington Post, TheHuffingtonPost.com, 12 June 2014, www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-gail-gross/the-important-role-of-dad_b_5489093.html.

     In this weeks blog, I’ll discuss the importance of councils and how they can be an impact for good and not a burden. 

     "Your most important friendships should be with your own brothers and sisters and with your father and mother. Love your family. Be loyal to them. Have a genuine concern for your brothers and sisters. Help carry their load so you can say, like the lyrics of the song, 'He ain't heavy; he's my brother'." -President Ezra Taft Benson

     Councils are crucial to making important decisions in a family.  When a husband and wife need to make a choice, (where to live, work, attend school, something to do with the kids) they should take some time out of their busy day and council.  Councils are much more than just saying, “So what’s your opinion? Yeah, that sounds good.  Uh-huh”  These are not good tools for councils.  It’s important to weigh the pros and cons of each situation, and openly and humbly respect each other’s point of views.  If your spouse says something you don’t agree with, try to understand where he/she is coming from and why they said it in the first place. 

     After coming spending time with each other in a marriage council, include as many immediate family members as possible.  Explain the situation, explain how and why you came to your conclusions, and then ask them their thoughts and be honest in processing their answers and take it into consideration.  There can be great good when other family members are included in big decisions. 

     Children will often feel like their parent’s respect and care for them and their opinions and thoughts when included in councils.  Parents may often be surprised by the response and maturity of children in making crucial decisions and their benefit of advice.  M. Russel Ballard said, “Such expression is essential if we are to achieve the purpose of councils. Leaders and parents should establish a climate that is conducive to openness, where every person is important and every opinion valued. The Lord admonished: “Let one speak at a time and let all listen unto his sayings, that when all have spoken that all may be edified” (D&C 88:122; emphasis added).”

     In spending the time to council, families will know the choices they make will be good and beneficial.  It can be scary to move to a new town, new school, friends, work, etc.  But if decisions are made as a family and all agree, then families will strengthen their relationships and have more respect and appreciation for each other. 

     My Mom would very often gather me and all my siblings into the living room.  She would talk to us about the gospel and teach us principles and proper behavior.  Many times, these meetings would turn into councils where we could express ourselves and be completely open with my Mom and the rest of the family about any personal problem and any achievements.  This was a wonderful learning opportunity for me because it showed me how important councils are and the precious learning and growing moments. 

     To end, Elder Ballard said so beautifully, “All councils should encourage free and open discussion by conferring with one another and striving to have clear, concise communication. Councils should discuss objectives and concerns, with mutual understanding being the ultimate goal” I know councils can be and should be a good experience for all members of the family and that they bring so much growth and love within a family system.  Parents and children will be closer and more open with councils and the practice of open communication with each other. 

    "Each of us will have our own Fridays -- those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death -- Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come."
-Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin
     The topic for this week is stress and coping.  All throughout life there are challenges and hardships that come unwanted.  With proper coping and abilities to overcome distress, life can be a joy and even a growing experience.
     Stress comes to all people.  It’s important to note that stress isn’t a bad thing.  Stress makes us stronger, helps us to achieve and overcome fear, and can ultimately shape us into the kind of people we’re meant to be.  Distress, is a form of crisis and is the kind of things that bring a lot of pain of sorrow.  Losing a loved one for example is a distress. 
     A few years ago, my Grandfather was killed in an automobile accident.  He was the patriarch of our family, a great wonderful spiritual man who loved us and led by example.  His death was a sudden shock to the entire family.  After many phone calls and trying to spread the news to family, it wasn’t long until everyone was very sad and felt distress.  My Mom was feeling very sad and upset, but because of her religion and leaning on the gospel of Jesus Christ, she was able to get through her emotions of sadness and sorrow.
     The key to getting over distress and sorrow is to focus on things that matter most and truth.  My Mom held tight to her faith in the Lord and religion which guided her through distress and helped her in coping with the death of her father. 
      In times of distress, there’s really only one thing we can do to overcome it.  That is, hold fast to true principles work through the sorrow, and not let the burdens of life get us down.  Distress can cause people to get depressed and to feel in a slump, which can be difficult to get out of by yourself. 
     The pain and sorrow can only be taken away if Jesus Christ is brought into the burden.  He can help you overcome any challenges and make distressful situations tolerable.  Distress needs to be worked through and learned from instead of just ignoring and using distractions to pretend your better.  Prayer and daily scripture study allow us to keep our spiritual reservoirs of faith, hope, and peace of mind full. These not only give us spiritual strength, but they can help us find answers to our particular problems.
     I know distress and hardships can be learned from and overcome by applying spiritual principles.  Bad things happen to everyone, but with faith and the gospel coping, it can be a learning experience and a way to come closer to the Lord.

     I’d like to talk about affair prevention and ways to help keep family strong and marriage relationships where they should be.  Man and wife cannot afford to cheat themselves of the blessings of marriage. 

     President Eyring, an LDS apostle said “"Just as Jesus used a child in His mortal ministry as an example for the people of the pure love they must and could have to be like Him, He has offered us the family as an example of an ideal setting in which we can learn how to love as He loves. That is because the greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own. That is what love is."  The truth in this saying is remarkable and very accurate.  The joys we feel the most are from putting the needs of others first, and showing them how much we care and love them by serving them.  The greatest sorrows and despair we feel comes from losing family and relationships we once held close.

     The Family A Proclamation To The World a LDS church document says “THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. . . HUSBAND AND WIFE have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.”

     The truths in this proclamation are essential for marital happiness and well-being.  When mother’s and father’s spend time together and do activities together they are strengthening their marriage and becoming less victim towards affairs and other unfaithful practices.  Most affairs occur because of a sense of feeling special and needed.  If someone else other than your spouse is making you feel special and needed immediately cutoff any connection and do not engage further. 

     Being married includes setting proper and appropriate barriers for you and your spouse.  You can’t do the same things you use to do when you were married! There shouldn’t be a girls or boys night out, spend that time with your spouse and family! Strive to find activities you both enjoy and do them together! Learn how to cook each other’s favorite meals and make a date night out of that. 

     Some of the best advice for a marriage is to always strive to think positively about each other and frequently express those compliments of praise for one another.  Make a list of 5 things you love about your spouse.  It could be something they say, something they do for you, or perhaps the way the look.  After the list, tell them! Encourage them to do the same thing.  Think of ways to make each other feel good and special.

     Above all, live the teachings of Jesus Christ and follow him.  Marriage is ordained of God, created by God, and blessed by God.  He will guide and direct you in your marriage and family if His commandments are kept and help true.  Families and marriages will thrive and find joy if these practices are kept.